Silent tears..

            Welcome back to my blog, I hope you guys are having a beautiful day. In this blog I am going to be sharing with you a very important situation I have been through in life. Never be ashamed of telling people who you are and what you’ve been through and what health issues you have, at the end of the day you are a human and you deserve all the happiness in the world like everyone else. So, here it goes..  

                At the age of 19, I gave up! I didn’t want to live anymore, I didn’t want to wake up every morning, I felt unwanted in this world, I felt as though everybody hated me, I had nobody by my side. All the people around me were fake. I had no life. There was no purpose of my life. I felt empty inside. I’ve NEVER said this to anyone but believe it or not, this feeling was suicidal. I felt as though every person that’d talk to me was just there to use me when they’re bored. 

                Everyday i’d wake up and look out my bedroom window and watch people walk/drive past and think to myself how lucky they are. I used to see people smiling and laughing and it KILLED me. I used to think to myself what is the reason behind their smile? I didn’t know who to talk to, didn’t know where to go and what to do. I thought if I tell somebody how i’m feeling right now they’d think i’m not normal.  I used to go to bed crying and wake up in tears. I didn’t like anything or anyone – not even my own little family. I didn’t know what happened to me, I didn’t know why i was feeling like this. All i did everyday and every time was surf the net and watch YouTube videos. I used to spend my time in bed at home all day. I was in another world – Mona’s world.

              One day I woke up  and as usual I was going through some YouTube videos, I came across a video of a Bollywood actress ‘Deepika Padukone’ talking about her illness. I watched the entire video from the beginning till the end. She was talking about how she had been feeling for a few months. She mentioned everything I mentioned in the start of this blog. Now what was this illness? I came to know this is what you call depression and anxiety. 

                 I never knew what depression meant. I always thought it meant feeling unhappy and sad. Nobody in this world can ever relate to depression without going through it. They cannot even explain it in words how it feels and what it is. 

WHAT WAS THE REASON BEHIND THIS?

              The moment I was going through depression I didn’t know the reason behind it. Now I’ve realised what it was. It was being bullied at a younger age, being treated horribly and growing up without relatives which I will talk about in detail in my next blog. 

MY BIGGEST MISTAKES WHEN GOING THROUGH DEPRESSION

  1.    I didn’t go to the doctors as I thought this isn’t an illness, its just a feeling. And when I did decide to go, I was thinking how would I explain this to the doctor, I did’t want to make a fool out of myself. I didn’t want him to think i’m stupid which off course he wouldn’t.
  2.    I didn’t talk to anybody about it because I was scared they’d think i’m mental and move away from me.
  3.    I wasted almost 18 months of my life in this situation. I could’ve done a lot to get out of it.

HOW I OVERCAME DEPRESSION.

               I woke up one day thinking this is not how i’m going to live for the rest of my life. I need to force myself up and do something. I started searching for jobs, I didn’t get one very soon so I thought I can go back to studying,  I didn’t want to go to college as I thought i’d get bullied like i always did which i will explain in detail in another blog. I did my research and started a course online. It was  DIPLOMA Level 3 in teaching and learning in schools. Now while doing this course, I had to make sure I am engaging with children at least a few hours a week. So I thought to myself, this shall be good,  i’ll be be working with children for a few hours at a nursery and when i’m home i’ll be studying. So, I rang up a nursery and went for an interview and was told I am able to work 3 days a week. A few months later, I completed my course. One thing was still nagging me, I didn’t want to work with children, I was sick of it but I had no choice as I paid £700 for the course. I thought to myself why should I do something I don’t want to do? 

              A few months later, I applied for a job at a biscuit factory, I got the job and worked there for a few months, I really enjoyed working. All I was doing was packing biscuits but there was a problem. Now the issue was i didn’t want to tell people I pack biscuits, I felt shy and embarrassed. Later on, I got a job as a customer service adviser which I still am and I am enjoying myself. 

                 For me, going out and working was a really good medication for my depression, I was getting into a daily routine and it never gave me time to think of the negative past I had. Also, I joined a gym which I go to at least three times a week. 

               Now I’ve started blogging, sharing my feelings and thoughts with you beautiful people. I’m enjoying life now and I love it 🙂

              I hope you guys enjoyed this blog, this particular blog was very painful to write but I had to let this out, I feel so relieved  now. Remember, keep reminding yourself it’s important to live, love and laugh, i’ll see you soon with another blog. Until then, peace 🙂

 

 

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I'm Mona, come join me through this journey of BE HUMAN, Lets spread peace, love and happiness everywhere regardless of faith, religion,colour, race, ethnicity. Lets do this TOGETHER!

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